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All the thoughts and feels we had watching the train wreck that was the Bachie 2018 finale

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Okay, here goes…

  1. Where even is New Caledonia? *frantically Google*
  2. Okay, so do we get Brooke back?
  3. Jesus, that airport walk through shot must’ve taken a few takes to arrange
  4. Nice of them lay out a New Caledonian band to play for him though… 
  5. His family wants Brooke back
  6. F%$# it, the show must go on
  7. How did he decide which of his 17281 siblings to take to film this?
  8. Okay but in all seriousness he has two siblings with cystic fibrosis and moved to play rugby in Japan (giving up his Australian place) to make sure he had money to care for them and for his Dad, who has terminal prostate cancer, AND NONE OF THIS HAS BEEN MENTIONED ON THE SHOW
  9. Anyway, back to ‘reality’… 
  10. Another helicopter – wow wee this guy is just so full of surprises!! 
  11. Soph gets the beach, Britt the tree house? 
  12. Okay surely after this conversation Sophie wins…
  13. Which rare New Caledonian bush is Cass hiding in?
  14. Is Brooke with her? Plz plz plz plz.
  15. Britt is in a wedding dress whaaaaat
  16. Okay Sophie first PLOT TWIST
  17. Osher speaking French like bujbrefdjk bonjour to you too 
  18. Funeral music must be in this month…. #hottest100
  19. I’m not heartbroken, I’m just really upset
  20. That’s me, not Soph, Soph is heartbroken and potentially off to sell a kidney
  21. Okay Britt’s in – big change of heart here from the Badge
  22. Now would be a bad time for the Badge to suggest calling their daughter Brooke, I spose 
  23. Will they call her the little badge? The mini badge? Badge junior? SO MANY QUESTIONS
  24. Where’s the wedding? WHAT CAN THEY FIND THAT’S MORE EXOTIC THAN NEW CALEDONIA?
  25. Wait what is this allowed 
  26. How can he dump two ppl with the same speech in the space of ten minutes!!!!!
  27. JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE
  28. This is the sequel, yes?
  29. Does HE NOT REMEMBER HOW HIS BLOODY CONTRACT WORKS?
  30. #FreeAgency
  31. IT WAS ALWAYS MEANT TO BE YOU, BROOKE 
  32. No but srsly where have they hidden her?
  33. Badge doing the pot plant Jared walk sans plant
  34. Okay the girls are actually plotting revenge THIS IS THE SEQUEL TO JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE
  35. SportsBet paying back all punters but WILL ANYONE REFUND ME THE 564819 HOURS OF MY LIFE I SPENT WATCHING THIS SCHMOZZLE 
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